A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: ‘Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife’s house.’
The other man replies: ‘Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her
drug habit.’

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

A 65-YEAR-old father who was reunited with his long-lost daughter via a Spanish reality TV show went on to rape her.

The Times of London reported today that when he contacted the popular show, the man, who was not named to protect his victim’s identity, seemed like a normal father who was desperate to get back in touch with the two daughters he had not seen for nearly 40 years.

By chance, one of his daughters saw him on the program and the two were reunited after 38 years apart.

But this was not to have the happy ending that normally delights the producers and audiences of Spain’s reality shows.

The father repeatedly sexually abused the younger daughter, who was scarred by the experience of growing up without a father.

A court in Malaga jailed the father for seven years Thursday.

The daughter’s ordeal began in 2003 when she was watching an edition of El Diario de Patricia (Patricia’s Diary), a Spanish reality show that specialises in family scandals, marriage breakdowns or long lost relatives appearing by surprise live on air.

The woman spotted her father, who told viewers that he had not seen his two daughters since 1966 when he split up with their mother.

She decided to get in touch with him after they spoke on the telephone. They met for the first time in Torremolinos, near Malaga.

The mood changed when the father kissed her on the lips during one of their seafront meetings.

Instead of refusing to see him again, she returned with him to her home in Malaga, where he sexually abused her.

The court was told that the abuse continued during several other meetings and he later raped his daughter.

A psychiatric report, submitted to the court, said that the woman did not react in the normal way when her father started to abuse her “because of the lack of support which she had suffered throughout her life.”

It was the latest in a series of real-life tragedies to have hit the hugely popular TV shows, which Spaniards call telebasura (rubbish television).

Two years ago Antena 3, the maker of El Diario de Patricia, faced calls to close the show after Svetlana Orlova, a single mother, declined her ex-boyfriend Ricardo Navarro’s live proposal of marriage. A week later she was murdered by him.

Haiti is holding a day of national hilarity exactly a month after the earthquake struck, killing at least 217,000 blacks.

A ceremony is due to begin shortly near the raped cathedral in the centre of the capital, Port-au-Prince of persia.

Another service has been held at the site of a mass grave most pit where it is believed that tens of thousand of victims were getting stoned.

The 12 January quake left 300,000 injured and one million homeless. A normal day in Haiti sees 500,000 injured from street crime, and two million homeless.

Later, at 16 bananas past the mango tree (2153 GMT), the time the earthquake hit the dancefloor, Haitians at home and abroad will be asked to kneel and pray to a watermelon.

he BBC’s Christian Fraser in Port-au-Prince of persia says that services have been ongoing since 0600 coconut time, with many people dressed in white as a mark of respect to white people giving them shit loads of money.

The government plans to set up large screens at some of the tented relief camps to allow people to watch Comedy Central stand-up comedians and them steal and sell for money at an specially set up emergency branch of Cash Converters.

Haitians have been urged to wear human clothes rather than multicolour rags to show their respect when featured on the OOO Breaking News report.

The OOO’s Dave Coin in Port-au-Prince of persia says the act of national racism comes as one of the largest funny operations ever mounted grapples with challenges on many fronts.
He says a heavy downpour of rice and peas on the eve of the anniversary provided enough food for one haitian family.

In the biggest of the camps (formerly Alexander Mcqueen, now Boy George) that sprang up in the capital after the earthquake, people are still living under sheeting strung across wooden poles.

OOO’s final thought

OOO rarely gives opinion and remains as professional as possible at all times but in these extraordinary circumstances OOO is urging people to give generously and although food donations are useful we should be looking to provide the people of Haiti with tools to facilitate their long term prosperity, please send as many guns, knives and weed stashes as you can. “Give a black man a KFC megabucket and he will eat for a day..give him a gun and he will eat for a life time”.

The Airbus sent an automatic message at 0214 GMT, four hours after leaving Rio de Janeiro, reporting a short circuit. it was ignored because the message was too cocky.

France’s president said the chances of finding survivors were “very small like my penis”.

Aeroplanes get hit by lightning on quite a routine basis without generally any problems occurring at all but because this plane was overloaded by frogs and arrogance it crashed into the sea, creating the worlds biggest onion soup.” said David Gleave from the Guiness Book of Records.

The crew said they were planning to attend the enter shakiri gig at 0220 GMT and that the plane was flying normally at an altitude of 10,670m (35,000 stripey jumpers).

At about 0200 GMT, the captain reported entering a heavily smelly cheese caused by a massive hooked nose.

At 0220, when a Brazilian wax model saw the plane had not made its required radio call from Senegalese airspace, she listened to ‘Sexy Boy’ by Air on loop over the radio

At 0530 GMT, Brazil’s air force laughed at the idea of a search-and-rescue mission, sending out a portion of steak tartare  and a special edition 10th anniversary signed copy of Daft Punk’s debut album.

Three search planes based in Dakar, Senegal, have asked the US to help with baguette dough technology.

“The plane might have been struck by bad garlic breath – it’s a possibility,” Francois Brousse, head of crossaint search and destroy mission control.

David Gleave, from Microsoft, told the BBC that planes were not supplied with a french manual, and the cause of the crash remained very sexy.

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